Facebook has chosen to ban me from the Facebook kingdom for 12 hours. Apparently, I need to review the “Community Standards” and think about what I’ve done wrong. I understand. I went to Catholic school. I know what it’s like to sit in the corner and pray for your own soul. May God forgive me. And Mark Zuckerberg.
In order for you to understand the gravity of my situation, and how I ended up on this path of delinquency, allow me first to confess my transgressions that went unpunished, but nonetheless led to this very moment. A bad apple starts as a bad seed. I must tell you and get this off my chest.
It started innocently enough, in 2010. A simple Facebook page for CrossFit, a few photos. What harm could come of that? I know, it’s how all crime starts. One moment you’re posting a hot workout photo, and the next you’re kissing women and divorcing your husband. (Oh wait, that’s another story for another time. Never mind.)
Anyhow, the years went by and it all seemed liked good fun. I’ll admit that I was the one who posted the infamous “Moose Legs” photo in 2011. And subversive photos of dads tossing their children in the air, and dogs hanging out in gyms. I even posted this shocking photo and this one. And (please forgive me) many, many photos of sweaty hot men and women. If we had time, we could review them all. Slowly. Each one. While drinking some bourbon. But I digress. Back to my tale of debauchery.
It was all fun and games and skin until, finally, the CrossFit Facebook page went too far. I didn’t even run the gang anymore, but I still had a key to the clubhouse, and Facebook knew it. One day, the CrossFit Facebook page committed an unforgivable sin that warranted punishment and shaming in front of the community of good, hard-working, time-wasting Facebook people. They linked a story about a mom who sent her child to school with a Paleo lunch and no grains. (Click here if you dare to read it.) They had the unmitigated nerve to question the all powerful Ritz cracker. How un-American. How dangerous. How un-Facebook. People shook their heads and turned away. Every law-abiding citizen of Facebook knew what would happen next.
And, so, we arrive here at this moment. I’m still trying to figure out how a member of the CrossFit gang linking a story about grains violates community standards, but that’s how all criminals are, right? Confused and lonely, left to contemplate their actions. This is how our (Facebook) society works.
Even worse, I’m still having unpure thoughts about the food pyramid. Father, please forgive me, because I may sin again …