9. Press. Brute strength is hot. And nobody ever said, “Oh, my press is too much. I need to work on something else.”
8. Muscle-ups. The Dunkin Munchkins of CrossFit. You have one, you want 24.
7. Sprint. Practice running away from assholes in your life.
6. Turkish Get-ups. Impossible to do while crying. Trust me on this one.
5. Eat a whole chicken. In your car. Right outside of Costco. You are Paleo! Don’t use utensils. Eat just like the caveman … if he had a car, and Costco.
4. Twist yourself into some mobility pretzel. You know, when you feel like Mr. Potato Head and somebody stuck your ear in your butthole. Bonus points if it makes you scream or cry.
3. Drink. Heavily. It’s not a healthy option, but we all know alcohol must have been invented by some lonely bastard whose girlfriend just left him.
2. Write bullshit lists like this one. “8 Reasons CrossFit Will Give You Cancer” “9 Things to Do With Your Dog During a Lunar Eclipse” “10 Reasons That People Will Keep Writing Articles With Lists in Them”
1. Go f**k somebody.