Sometimes, Silence Is Not So Golden

Lisbeth Essays, Life, Mindset

“What silences you?”

That was the sign in the store window I passed.

“What silences you?”

That’s really how I feel. Nothing silences me.

Not fear, not shame, not you, not me, not that guy with the funny eyes over there, or the woman who keeps staring across the room, seemingly frowning at my hair which my kids affectionately call “anime hero.”barcelona unsplash

I simply have learned not to care very much about public opinions—of people I know or of strangers. It was a long process, and I think maybe I finally got there. (Although I fight creepback every day, like a tide that rushes the shore but this sea wall isn’t breaking, honey. I’m concrete now.)

The world will. It’s been here a lot longer than me, and I suppose it’s dealt with quite a few vociferous stubborn women, even if they didn’t have anime hair.

My son texted from college the other day. He wrote, “Never go to Russia. I’m rewatching House of Cards, and I’m on the Corrigan arc (gay rights activist in Russia) and if you were in his shoes, Russia probably would have shot you before the prez could even step foot on Air Force One.”

My kids know I’m a little outspoken. But what are my choices, really? To be silent? To die with my scared and secret self whispering someday in the moment of expiration, “You should have talked, asshole! Great, now the lights are going out.”words unsplash

And so I ask you the questions I wish I had answered and not avoided over the years: When will you speak? When will you say what you feel? When will you release those words you yearn to free with velocity from your throat after all these years? When will you let the other nature of your brain roam the waiting canyons of your mind? Now? Later? 

I just finished reading? “When Breath Becomes Air” by Dr. Paul Kalanithi. That late great doc said all he could before he left this world all too soon. He wouldn’t tell you to wait.

So, why are you waiting? Are you scared you will fail? Die?

How do I know this?

Because I did.

 

 

 


Lisbeth Essays, Life, Mindset


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